Super Bowl Cum-Day
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: The Super Bowl is one of the most fun nights of the year. A great football game, commercials that try too hard, and plenty of food on the table. Yes sir, nothing can go wrong on Super Bowl Sunday. At least that's what you think.
1. Super Bowl Cum-Day Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 1

EPISODE 9

Airdate: January 27, 2013

Title: Super Bowl Cum-Day

Homage To Classic TV: _Who's The Boss? _(1984-1992)

Special Guest Stars: Jim Nantz as Himself, Phil Simms as Himself

Satire: None

We see the old Milwaukee house from _Happy Days _and the NFL shield logo. Inside, Richie is planning a party for Super Bowl XLVII. The Fonz is coming in wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey. The Cunningham family are Green Bay Packers fans alongside Fonzie.

RICHIE: All right, it's party time! I've got three different kinds of pretzels, I've got six different kinds of soda….

We then see the girls from _Beverly Hills, 90210_. They're Oakland Raiders fans, and are looking over everything they've got for their party.

DONNA: Chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream….

We then see Jerry and Kramer from _Seinfeld_. It is a cold, winter day in New York City just hours before the Super Bowl. Jerry is wearing a New York Giants ushanka and sweater, while Kramer is wearing a Buffalo Bills coat. Jerry doesn't understand the food Kramer has in his trunk for the party.

JERRY: 48-pack of waffles? A gallon of barbeque sauce?

We then see Michael and Robert from _The Office_. They're huge Philadelphia Eagles fans, and Robert is so loyal, he's wearing a midnight green short-sleeved button-down shirt and a tie with the Eagles logo all over it. Michael is also wearing an Eagles tie, and someone behind them is wearing a LeSean McCoy jersey. The whole office has caught Eagles fever, and there's a board that says "Super Bowl Planning Party." It only consists of various pizzas and other foods.

MICHAEL: 20 seconds to go time.

ROBERT: Got it. Carb up.

We then see the four main characters of _The Sopranos _just sitting around. They're crazy New York Jets fans. The doorbell rings.

(after being motioned to) GUY: I'll get it.

We once again see _Seinfeld_. The party has started and Jerry has his Giants sweater on. The doorbell rings, and he gets it. It's Newman, showing up in a Dallas Cowboys hat and Cowboys jacket. Just like Jerry and Newman, the Giants and Cowboys are sworn enemies.

JERRY: Hello Newman.

We then see _Cheers_. Norm is entering the bar, which is hosting a Super Bowl XLVII party. There's a diner-style New England Patriots logo on the right. Norm takes off his coat to reveal a Wes Welker jersey, indicating he is a Patriots fan.

GUYS: NORM!

We then see _The Brady Bunch_'s Mike Brady come through the front door. There's a Phillip Rivers jersey put in a picture frame on the wall, and on the other side of the wall, there's a picture of San Diego Chargers tight end Antonio Gates, along with a Chargers desk lamp. As you can tell, this family loves them some Chargers.

MIKE: Hi there, how are my girls?

We then see Blanche Devereaux and Rose Nylund from _The Golden Girls _come out of the kitchen with party favors. Rose is carrying football-shaped appetizers with some kind of filling inside. In fact, she got it down to the football's color. There's a calendar of the Miami Dolphins in the kitchen, a picture of quarterback Ryan Tannehill on the wall, and a Dolphins pillow on the chair.

ROSE: We're ready to serve the appetizers.

We then see _Full House_'s Jesse and Joey in the kitchen. Jesse is wearing a San Francisco 49ers hoodie while Joey is wearing an old-school football helmet with the 49ers logo on the side. There's a drawing on the cabinet that Stephanie probably made or something. It's of 49ers players Colin Kaepernick, Frank Gore, and Aldon Smith.

(on the phone) JESSE: Great. We'll be down there.

We then see Bo and Luke from _The Dukes of Hazzard _in the General Lee. They have Atlanta Falcons dice.

(on the phone) BO OR LUKE: We got you, Uncle Jesse.

(The duo does their famous jump off the cliff. There's a Falcons flag on top of the car and it has "84" on the side, instead of the usual "01." The "84" is a reference to the number of Falcons wide receiver Roddy White.)

We then see Peter from _Family Guy _running towards the door on the phone. He's wearing a Tom Brady jersey, and his pants are in New England Patriots blue. There are two pictures of Brady on the wall, and Stewie's teddy bear Rupert is also wearing Brady's #12.

PETER: You're already here? No way!

(Peter opens the door to reveal Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland. Peter and Quagmire scream in excitement. Quagmire and Joe have Tom Brady jerseys on as well. Cleveland is wearing a Cleveland Browns T-shirt. Get it?)

We see Ernie from _Sesame Street_, who's letting in a bunch of sheep puppets. They're wearing St. Louis Rams helmets. There's a sign on Ernie's door that says, "The Party's Here."

ERNIE: Come on in, guys.

We then see Carl and Urkel from _Family Matters_. There's plenty of food on the table for a Super Bowl XLVII party. Carl is wearing a Chicago Bears hoodie while Urkel is wearing a Bears sweatband with a Bears logo between the lens of his glasses and a blue and orange string to keep his glasses on. They're fighting over a football.

CARL: No, Urkel, don't, don't, Steve!

(the football crashes through the glass window and into Marcia from _The Brady Bunch_, who's wearing a Chargers T-shirt)

MARCIA: Ow, my nose!

URKEL: Did I do that?

ALF finds this hilarious. He's wearing a Carolina Panthers T-shirt. There's also a stuffed panther on the counter.

We then see Barney from _How I Met Your Mother_. He's wearing a yellow long-sleeved button-down shirt and a Steelers tie, while drinking from a Super Bowl XLVII cup. There are pennants of various teams on the walls, and a banner that says: "Super Bowl XLVII: AFC Champion Baltimore Ravens vs. NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers." One guy is wearing a Minnesota Vikings sweater, a woman is wearing a Jets tank top and a green button-down sweater, and another woman is wearing a Steelers sweater.

BARNEY: Everyone, everyone, may I direct your attention to the television?

We go back to _Happy Days_. Fonzie pounds the TV once to turn it on, and we see Jim Nantz and Phil Simms commentating live at the big game.

JIM NANTZ: It's great to have you all here for Super Bowl XLVII.

We see Monica and Phoebe from _Friends_. Phoebe's wearing a Jets sweatshirt and Monica's wearing a Jets T-shirt. Phoebe turns up the volume. Both are excited.

We then see _Family Guy _again. The Griffins are watching the big game. Chris is wearing a Patriots snapback, while the back of Peter's jersey says "Hi Tom" instead of "Brady."

PHIL SIMMS: The air is electric here in New Orleans.

We now see _Glee_. A geek in a wheelchair has gotten it customized in the style of the Cincinnati Bengals. He's also wearing a Bengals hat, an orange vest, and a Bengals flag on the back of his wheelchair. A fat black girl has an Andrew Luck jersey on (indicating she is an Indianapolis Colts fan). There are also orange and black balloons. We can safely assume most of the school is part of Bengals Nation.

We then see Gloria from _Modern Family _getting a pizza from someone. She's wearing a long-sleeved Washington Redskins shirt.

GLORIA: This is my favorite day now, Manny!

We then see _The Simpsons_. There's no distinct preference, as everyone is rooting for everybody. From Ralph supporting the Seattle Seahawks to Flanders showing off his pride for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, it's just a whole hodgepodge of fanbases. Homer is wearing a Troy Polamalu jersey, which indicates he is a Steelers fan, while Marge and Maggie are Cheesehead and Cheesehead Jr. (a dead giveaway that they're Packers fans). They're trying to find seats in the back row, and annoy everybody there.

HOMER: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.

We go to _Happy Days _one last time. Fonzie has a Packers foam finger now.

FONZIE: A beautiful day for anything and EVERY-THING.

We end with, who else? Our own Testicular Sound Express enjoying the game. There's a big Vince Lombardi Trophy cutout in the corner of Sparky's living room, and a banner that says: "Welcome To Super Bowl 47." There are snacks and food everywhere, but Buster just keeps drinking. Some kids from class (including Travis, Sanna, and Halley) are there as well. Sparky, Buster, and Sanna are wearing Seahawks jerseys (Russell Wilson for Sparky, Richard Sherman for Buster, and Brandon Browner for Sanna). Wade is wearing a Rob Gronkowski jersey, pledging his allegiance to the Patriots. KG's jersey is a combination of the Houston Texans' Matt Schaub and the Denver Broncos' Peyton Manning. Manny is supporting the Detroit Lions by wearing a Calvin Johnson jersey, and Will emphasizes his support for the Baltimore Ravens with his Ray Lewis jersey. Travis is wearing a Tom Brady jersey, and Halley, not much of a football fan, went the way of the Arizona Cardinals with a Larry Fitzgerald jersey.

SPARKY: RK, come on! The game's about to start!

RK: I'm coming, dammit! You know how hard it is to find Creamy Cowboy Crunch ice cream?

(RK comes from the kitchen wearing a Matt Ryan jersey, indicating he is a Falcons fan)

(A blue screen shows up and the words "Best. Fans. Ever." appear on the screen. The NFL shield logo follows it.)

One last scene is from _South Park_. Stan, Kyle, and Butters are riding on a bronco to get home for the NFL championship game. A snowman is wearing a Peyton Manning jersey. Butters is holding a Broncos flag, and the house the three boys are passing has a banner that reads: "Super Bowl XLVII."

STAN: Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!

(Cartman is right behind them, holding something and grunting repeatedly in exhaustion. We're not sure why he's not on the bronco as well.)

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It is January 21. The boys are off for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. They're dealing with the fallout of the conference championship games the day before.

(Sparky and Buster sit on the floor, hearing RK crying on the couch)

BUSTER: SCIENCE DAMMIT!

SPARKY: RK, please stop crying!

RK: No, and you can't make me!

(RK is once again wearing CM Punk's "Knees 2 Faces" T-shirt)

BUSTER: RK, we know the Falcons lost yesterday. But constantly crying and being depressed all the time won't help anything.

SPARKY: Buster's right….for once. We gave you all of last night to cry, but that still didn't help. I mean, we even let you watch that Alyssa Milano compilation video we never let you watch because it's too much for one person to bear!

RK: Not me. Alyssa Milano's not even that hot.

(Buster cracks his head a little bit, looking like AJ)

BUSTER: What did you just say?

RK: Alyssa Milano's not even that hot.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Sparky, where's your gun?

SPARKY: In the closet but what does that have to do with…Buster? Buster?

(Buster leaves to go look for Sparky's gun)

RK: Is there a reason why you keep a gun here?

SPARKY: Well, after that _Family Matters _episode, I got scared so I had to keep a gun for protection. And it doesn't hurt ANYBODY.

RK: Sparky, that episode taught you NOT to use guns. Haven't you learned anything from Sandy Hook?

SPARKY: YES! I'm wearing the (bleep) armband and patch, aren't I? I just don't want to give up my gun. It's delicious.

RK: How the hell are guns delicious?

(Buster comes back with the gun and cocks it near RK's head)

BUSTER: Listen, you (bleep) son of a bitch, don't you ever talk shit about Alyssa Milano again, do you understand? She is the love of my life. She brings light where there is darkness. She has the power to make Mt. Everest move. She looked good on _Who's The Boss?_, she looked good on _Charmed_, and she looks good NOW. So shut up.

(long pause)

RK: Damn, you're hot when you're angry.

BUSTER: Good science.

SPARKY: Is that my chocolate gun?

BUSTER: Chocolate gun? What are you talking about?

SPARKY: That's one of the chocolate guns I get from Jim's Candy Store. I need to refill every two weeks. It's milk chocolate in the shape of a gun and there's ammunition filling inside. Try shooting RK.

(Buster does this, and peanut butter comes out)

RK: Oh, peanut butter? That's cummy!

BUSTER: Yeah, dude. Didn't they have marshmallow or something?

SPARKY: They're MY chocolate guns and you can't decide what filling I get! And don't waste all the Reese's peanut butter. The gun is only good to eat for a week, and I do NOT want to eat a gun with no filling.

RK: Well, if you excuse me, boys, I'm going back home to cry.

BUSTER: RK, you're being a big baby. When the Falcons beat the Seahawks, were WE crying?

RK: No. You kept saying, "GOD HELP US! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! SOMEONE SAVE US!"

BUSTER: That proves my point.

SPARKY: Maybe RK's right. Some people just take longer to grieve over sports teams losing than others. I mean, Wade is puking in the toilet.

(We see Wade doing exactly that)

(breathing heavily) WADE: The minute…the Ravens started the fourth quarter….with that touchdown….was the minute…..my whole Earth collapsed. I'm a diehard Patriots fan….but I can't support their effort last night….no excuses.

BUSTER: At least you're not trying to kill yourself again. Remember the Super Bowl last year?

WADE: Don't remind me.

We flashback to February 5, 2012. It's the night of Super Bowl XLVI. The New England Patriots are playing the New York Giants in a rematch of Super Bowl XLII four years ago. The Giants have sealed their fourth Vince Lombardi Trophy.

AL MICHAELS: And the New York Giants, been given last rites by many in December, are the Super Bowl champs in February!

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND RK: BIG BLUE! BIG BLUE! BIG BLUE!

WADE: Yeah, Big Blue. Um, I'm going to go home and, uh, inhale air that will kill me. If we live in a world where the Giants are once again the Super Bowl champions at the Patriots' expense, I don't want to live anymore.

RK: OK. Have fun.

(Wade simply leaves)

KG: Is anyone going to do anything about that shit?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, why didn't you kill yourself?

WADE: I tried inhaling the air in my car with the windows rolled up.

RK: And?

WADE: Hybrid cars, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.

SPARKY: I can't believe you did that _South Park _crap.

WADE: Well, I thought it would work in real-life!

RK: You DO realize we're not real-life, right?

CAMERAMAN: We're filming!

RK: BACK OFF BOB!

CAMERAMAN: OK.

(long pause)

BUSTER: I will never understand that.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: And so then, Marvin said that when Klootonians get scared, they let out a stink spray, just like skunks. It comes from their belly button. They call it a "smelly button."

WADE: And so then what happened?

BUSTER: Marvin and Henry believe the evil guys are in the attic, and Marvin uses his smelly button to knock them out. They find out it was just Liz, Bob, and Pop-Pop. Apparently, Marvin and Henry were being taught a lesson about watching R-rated movies.

RK: This is why I can't watch _Marvin Marvin_. Too cummy.

SPARKY: Sounds like an OK show. I'll probably watch this week's episode.

WADE: What's it about?

BUSTER: Marvin and Teri go on a double date.

RK: Aren't they family now? EWWWWW!

WADE: He means Marvin has a date, Teri has a date, and they go dating together.

RK: I know what double dating is. I just thought THEY were dating.

SPARKY: Hey Wade, you want to tell them?

WADE: Nah, you go ahead.

BUSTER: Tell us what?

SPARKY: Guys, Testicular Sound Express…IS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!

(Buster and RK stare at each other, then burst into tears)

RK: Sparky, you are genius! Dude, that put me in a good mood!

SPARKY: It's really not that funny.

BUSTER: Yes, it is! And I watch _Who's The Boss? _for Pete's sake!

SPARKY: I do too. And so does Wade.

BUSTER: No, but that was more (bleep) hilarious than anything _Who's The Boss? _has ever come up with.

RK: Damn, you guys are hysterical.

WADE: It's not a joke. We're going to Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans.

BUSTER: I don't know if you guys are retarded…..

(Sparky and Wade stare at each other with raised eyebrows, knowing Buster is one to talk)

BUSTER: But the Super Bowl is in TWO weeks. We don't have tickets for the game, or plane tickets for that matter!

SPARKY: We got the tickets for the game in September, and the plane tickets we can get anytime.

WADE: Besides, we live in an era where things are simpler and faster.

RK: Why would you guys get Super Bowl tickets in September? You don't even know who's playing!

SPARKY: RK, when it comes to events like the Super Bowl, tickets are first come/first served. Besides, I don't give a damn who's playing. I was going to go regardless.

WADE: Me too. Even if the Patriots WERE one game away from playing in it.

(Wade scratches the table through clenched teeth and has a creepy chuckle)

BUSTER: Um, OK? Well, I'm not going to go. No Seahawks in the Super Bowl, no Buster at the Super Bowl. Besides, what kind of person would watch the Ravens and 49ers? That's so cummy.

RK: Buster's right. Besides, going to the game will only remind me of why the Falcons screwed up two days ago. I'll still watch it on CBS, but going to it would be too sad.

(Buster and RK leave the table)

SPARKY: OK, fine. Go ahead, boys. Regret the fact that your friends are at the biggest sporting event of the year and you're sitting at home gobbling up Cheese Whiz and grading the commercials. Go ahead.

WADE: Yeah, go ahead, boys. You can sit there and discuss how Doritos will crash the Super Bowl, or you can GO to the Super Bowl and get an up close and personal look.

(Buster and RK think this over and stare at each other)

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It is now February 1, two days before Super Bowl XLVII. RK is packing his stuff to take to New Orleans. It's around 3:56 PM PST.

KG: This is so cummy. You're going to the Super Bowl and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do.

RK: KG, haven't you heard about Super Bowl parties? Throw one.

KG: You're right. Super Bowl Sunday is practically an American holiday. I'm going to throw the biggest Super Bowl party my junior high school has ever seen!

RK: Just don't go overboard. Remember your birthday?

We cutaway to KG's birthday a couple months ago. KG went extremely over-the-top, as people are injured and being taken to the hospital, fire trucks are all over the place, the house has been trashed, and KG is being arrested for underage drinking.

KG: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA! I'M 13, BITCH! YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!

POLICEMAN: Yeah, shut up, kid.

(the policeman puts KG in the car)

KG: It's not my fault. That guy DARED me to drink Coca-Cola with poison and Bud Light Lime. And I got $100.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, just be quiet until we get there.

COMMISSIONER: So what did you see, Ryan?

RK: I don't know. I come home and I find puke on the carpet and soup in the toilet.

KG: Yeah, they had to land a jumbo jet on the freeway.

RK: You're lucky those passengers had a good story to tell. Anyway, here's $500. The police number, fire number, hospital number, SWAT number, and all six armed forces are on the refrigerator. Mr. Tuxedo Pants is being taken care of by Sanna. If you want to call the bitch, her number is also on the fridge. And if you DARE have a repeat of your birthday party, you'll be wearing your tongue for a necktie.

KG: Got it.

(RK and KG hug)

RK: I love you, bro.

KG: I love you too, bro.

SCENE 4

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport

Interior Terminal

SeaTac, Washington

The boys are in line for their plane tickets to New Orleans.

SPARKY: So, who are you guys rooting for in the Super Bowl in two days?

BUSTER: Definitely the 49ers. They had a job to eliminate those damn Falcons, and they did exactly that. They deserve payment. Besides, they're the better team.

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm picking the Niners too. After what they did for us, I can't abandon them like that.

WADE: I'm just picking San Francisco so they can stomp on the Ravens for ending the Patriots' season. If the 49ers can kill one bird, they can kill another one.

RK: I disagree. The Ravens are having a great year. One year after losing the AFC Championship Game by a field goal, they return to the playoffs and beat two Hall of Fame-worthy quarterbacks in Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Joe Flacco is having a career year, and Ray Lewis deserves to end his career with another Super Bowl ring. Baltimore is taking this one.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Have you been eating the Kool-Aid mix again?

RK: No. I'm sure of what I'm doing. Besides, I want the Ravens to kill the 49ers as payback for those Bay Area assholes killing my Falcons.

BUSTER: A-ha! All year, you've ripped on the Ravens calling them screw-ups. Now you just want them to do your dirty work!

RK: You guys are doing the same thing.

SPARKY: That's different, we LIKE the 49ers.

WADE: And even then, they're not going to end anybody because the 49ers are winning this one.

RK: RAVENS!

WADE: 49ERS!

RK: RAVENS!

WADE: 49ERS!

BUSTER: STOP! I've got an idea. Just bet money. RK puts up $10, Wade puts up $10. If the Ravens win, Wade has to pay RK $10. If the 49ers win, RK has to pay Wade $10.

RK: Sounds like a plan, asshole.

WADE: I know I'm making the right choice putting my faith in the 49ers. They've never lost a Super Bowl.

RK: That's because four of those times, they had the greatest quarterback of all-time. And in the 1994 season, the AFC was weak as hell.

WADE: TOM BRADY IS THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL-TIME! And I guess you're right about 1994. But hey, they have the Midas touch in Super Bowls. You can always bet your money on them.

RK: We'll see about that.

LADY: Hi, how can I help you?

SPARKY: We'd like four tickets to New Orleans please.

(RK stares at a guy selling Super Bowl XLVII tickets, and everyone passing him)

GUY: Hey, best seats in the house! You deserve the best place to watch the Super Bowl, and I'm providing it! Come and get Super Bowl XLVII tickets! Front-row or luxury box!

RK: Kewl.

(RK leaves the line without the others noticing)

RK: Hey mister, you're selling Super Bowl tickets in the front row or in the luxury box?

GUY: That's right. Pure authentic ticks to see the Big Game.

RK: Wow? I can't believe everyone else is too retarded to take this opportunity!

GUY: It's a shame, huh? Poor Americans. $220 a ticket.

RK: OK, well, I need four in the luxury box, so…..$880 for you.

GUY: Here you go. Pure authentic Super Bowl XLVII tickets.

(imitating Alyssa Milano) RK: Hold up a minute. Are these tickets fake? Because I swear to God I'll go Brooklyn on you and take my money back like we…

GUY: No, no, not at all. These are real tickets. Why would a guy like me go around selling counterfeit seats?

RK: Yeah, you're right. Sorry for going all street there. That's just how we do it in Brooklyn.

GUY: I can tell you're not from Brooklyn.

RK: How?

GUY: Why would you go to New Orleans from SeaTac? And besides, you just started using that accent.

RK: Damn, you're good. I was just in the room when my friends were watching _Who's The Boss? _the other day, and this really hot chick named Sam started talking…

GUY: I don't care about that damn show. I hate it.

RK: Me too. Well, thanks for the tickets.

GUY: You're welcome. Enjoy your Super Bowl.

RK: Even if the tickets ARE fake, I've screwed up on more than one occasion. Like the time I took Sparky to that concert.

It is October 9, 2012 in Tacoma, Washington. RK and Sparky are leaving the Tacoma Dome.

SPARKY: I can't believe you made me sit through that crap. You said it was a comedy!

RK: I thought it was. Besides, the guy who sold me the tickets said it was the biggest joke in the world.

(We then see a marquee that reads: "Justin Bieber Believe Tour Live Tonight")

(We then see the plane to New Orleans take off, and then the city itself. Today is February 3, 2013. Super Bowl Sunday, and over 60,000 fans are in line at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, hoping to see an excellent game between the Ravens and the 49ers.)

The four boys are in line. They're all showing their allegiance with their jerseys: Sparky is wearing a Colin Kaepernick home jersey, Buster is wearing a Frank Gore home jersey, RK is wearing a Ray Lewis away jersey, and Wade is wearing a Vernon Davis home jersey.

SPARKY: I still don't understand why you had to buy tickets from that guy, RK. Those were good seats.

(imitating Alex Ferris) RK: Luxury box, or some adequate, cummy, regular old seats? Think about it.

BUSTER: I'm so excited for these seats. All the movers and shakers will be there. Even President Obama.

WADE: Obama wouldn't be here if you paid him. He only gives a crap if the Bears are playing in the game.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Ticket?

(guy hands in ticket, and gets stub)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Thank you. Ticket?

(same as the other guy)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Thank you. Ticket?

(this guy actually has a fake ticket)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: It's fake.

GUY: How? I paid $100 off it on StubHub!

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: It's made of paper. This guy was a REAL sneak. It happens all the time. People make counterfeit tickets and sell them.

RK: Holy shit.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Now for anyone misinformed, we WILL catch people with fake tickets, and we WILL deny them entry.

RK: I REALLY hope those tickets are real.

BUSTER: What did you say, RK?

RK: Oh, nothing. I was just hoping I could use my Kindle inside the Superdome.

BUSTER: Of course you can. We're at an Optimum hotspot.

RK: Hotpots? What are those?

BUSTER: Hotspots. It's like the Optimum Online you and me have at home, but it's outside.

RK: So, the Mercedes-Benz Superdome can be an Optimum hopscotch?

BUSTER: If by hopscotch, you mean hotspot, then yes.

RK: I thought Optimum only operated in the East and Southwest.

BUSTER: They're expanding. Optimum Northwest began a couple months ago, and they released Optimum Southeast about two weeks ago.

RK: Wow. Now I know.

FLINT: And knowing is half the battle.

SINGERS: G.I. JOE!

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG: Damn. $500 here. I know what I have to do. Buy a whole bunch of vegetables for the Super Bowl party. (bursts into tears) Oh God, who am I serving, Daniel Bryan? Oh, oh man, oh, but I need to get serious. It's time to turn this house into a house that looks like it's trying to reach a certain goal.

("Live To Party" by The Jonas Brothers playing in the background)

KG is trying to get everything together before 3:00 PM PST, which is when the mini-pregame show begins. Before that, there's a six-hour pregame show live in New Orleans. And after the mini-pregame show, there's the national anthem performances, then the sick entrances, then kickoff. KG plans to get everything before the mini-pregame show starts. He makes a guestlist and invites everybody via G-Mail. Then KG heads to the grocery store and gets the Super Bowl goods: Chips, frozen pizza, ice cream, soda, lots of that junk. He then rushes to KFC and gets their Big Game specialty with every available side. KG then heads to the balloon store and back home. He sets up the snacks and KFC meal, puts one pizza in the oven, and puts up two sets of balloons in the corners of the living room. One set of balloons is purple and black, which represents the Ravens. The other set is red and gold, which represents the 49ers. KG sets up the banner he got that says: "Super Bowl XLVII." On one side of the banner is the Ravens logo, and on the other side is the 49ers logo. KG sits on the couch. He really admires what he's done.

KG: I am (bleep) good.

SCENE 6

Mercedes-Benz Superdome

Exterior Entrance

New Orleans, Louisiana

Testicular Sound Express is next in line to enter. RK is nervous. N-E-R-V-O-U-S. Nervous. Sorry for going all _Arthur _on you.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Next? You four are coming in together?

BUSTER: Yup.

(the black security guard realizes the tickets are fake)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Counterfeiting. Next?

WADE: What are you talking about?

SPARKY: Those are 100% authentic. Pure luxury box seats. Tell him, RK.

RK: Yeah, I got four of them from a guy at the airport in SeaTac.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: For how much?

RK: $220 a head.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: You really think a guy would sell Super Bowl tickets to little kids? In the luxury box? At this price?

BUSTER: Probably.

RK: That's what the guy said. And he assured me those tickets are 100% real.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: That's because he knows you'd be stupid enough to believe him. Besides, the word "Super" is misspelled. See?

(the tickets actually say "Supper Bowl XLVII")

SPARKY: It says supper? IT SAYS SUPPER?

WADE: RK, you son of a bitch.

RK: Look, this isn't even the worst thing I've ever done.

BUSTER: That would be ruining Sanna's campaign last year.

RK: Nah, that's the second-worst thing. I mean, I gave advice to Manti Te'o.

We flashback to August 2012 at Notre Dame University.

RK: Look Manti, if you want that Heisman, just make up a sob story. Something inspirational and heartwarming. Maybe you have a girlfriend that has cancer and her will to fight makes you stronger.

MANTI: I can't lie. That's dishonest. And I'll get caught eventually.

RK: Trust me. You'll feel better once your team holds the national title in Miami and you have your Heisman.

Five months later…

REPORTER: So it looks like Notre Dame Fighting Irish linebacker Manti Te'o's claim to have a girlfriend who died of leukemia and a car crash was a hoax. According to Deadspin, Te'o made up an imaginary girlfriend so he could get publicity, free food, and the odds-on favorite position for the Heisman Trophy.

(Te'o is calling RK)

RK: What do you want? Manti, don't yell at me. You took it too far! I didn't know you were going to make up an imaginary grandmother! She's real? Then you could've used THAT story, this is all your fault! Well, maybe you shouldn't lie anymore. Look at Lance Armstrong. Yeah, that's because everyone loves Johnny Football. That's why you lost the Heisman. Yeah? Well, that's why Alabama stomped your sorry (bleep) ass in Miami!

(RK hangs up)

WADE: Be that as it may RK, you better get us into the Superdome.

SPARKY: Or get your head kicked in.

RK: Cummy.

(The "trouble" music from _Arthur _plays as RK bites his tongue in fear)

BOOMING VOICE: Now, it's time for another Homage To Classic TV!

(Buster is standing outside his house wearing a brown trenchcoat)

BUSTER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to this week's Homage To Classic TV. Now, unless you're just that plain retarded, I think you should know what show we're going to pay tribute to tonight. This show is by far, the funniest piece of shit I've ever seen. Sparky loves it. Wade loves it. And RK, well….he hates it. But three out of four ain't bad. To really demonstrate my point, I've put together some of the show's funniest and serious moments from the first three seasons. Right now, we're on the fourth season. Here's, could it be any other, _Who's The Boss?_ (Buster opens his trenchcoat to reveal a lavender T-shirt that says "Sam's The Boss.") Yeah, you were probably expecting someone else. Well, I got news for you assholes. SAM'S THE (BLEEP) BOSS AROUND HERE! Not Tony, not Angela, not Jonathan, not even Mona. IT'S SAMANTHA FREAKING MICELLI! I LOVE THAT CHICK! SHE IS THE HEAVEN WHEN THERE IS HELL! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, WITTY, SADISTIC, AND AWESOME!

SPARKY: Buster, shut the hell up! They get it!

BUSTER: NO, THEY'LL NEVER GET IT! SAM'S THE BOSS, BITCHES! SAM'S THE (BLEEP) BOSS!

(Sparky carries Buster away from the scene)

"Danza, Light, Milano, Pintauro, And Helmond Over Springsteen: Best of the Boss"

Here's the plot of the show: Tony Micelli, a second baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals, is forced to retire due to a shoulder injury. Wanting a better life for him and his daughter Samantha, Tony moves out of Brooklyn to take a job as a housekeeper in Connecticut for Angela Bower, the head of an advertising agency. Living with Angela is her son Jonathan and her sex-crazed mother Mona Robinson.

ACT I

Episode: Keeping Up With Marci

Airdate: April 9, 1985 (Season 1)

In order to send Sam on a ski trip, Tony decides to use the $250 Angela gave him to pay the chimney sweepers. The solution: Do the chimney sweep himself.

(Tony is putting covers on the furniture because it was ruined with flue gases from the chimney. Let's just say Tony couldn't do the job. Just then, Angela comes in.)

ANGELA: Hi Tony, I'm home.

(Tony jumps over a table and is on high alert now)

TONY: Hello Angela. How was your day? Let me get that for you.

ANGELA: Oh, thank you, well, it was…

(Tony is using Angela's bag to block her view so she can't see the covered furniture. She's about 75% aware of what Tony's trying to do.)

ANGELA: It was a lot like most days. What's going on?

TONY: Oh, nothing, nothing, same old grind. You know, I'm cooking up dinner. Your favorite: Rack of lamb, I know you like that.

(Tony is doing all he can to stall Angela, but he's slowly losing the battle)

ANGELA: Mmmm, sounds delicious.

(Angela simply goes under her bag and walks towards the furniture)

ANGELA: What are those sheets doing on the chairs?

TONY: What sheets?

ANGELA: These sheets.

TONY: Oh ho, those sheets, well let me…..

ANGELA: And why is the rug folded up?

TONY: What rug?

ANGELA: THIS rug, does all this have to do with the chimney sweep?

TONY: Funny you should mention chimney sweep…..

(Angela takes off one of the covers, and Tony officially has lost the battle)

ANGELA: OH! Oh my stars, I don't believe it!

TONY: Yeah, I'm having a hard time with it myself.

(Angela takes off another cover)

ANGELA: Look at this mess! And this man calls himself a chimney sweep?

TONY: Well, what's in a title?

ANGELA: That is what's wrong with America today, Tony. Shotty, inept work like this. No pride in workmanship. This is incompetence, that's what this is, sheer incompetence!

TONY: Well, incompetence is such a strong word.

ANGELA: Well, what would you call it?

TONY: Nice try?

ANGELA: What kind of idiot would do this? Does the man have a brain the size of a pea?

(Mona comes in, thinking Tony told Angela the truth)

MONA: Oh, uh, Angela, well, Angela, my goodness, I guess Tony must've told you how…WE cleaned up the chimney.

(Angela is dumbfounded and stunned beyond belief)

ANGELA: I beg your pardon?

(Angela stares at Tony, who simply chuckles and looks around)

ACT II

Episode: Ad Man Micelli

Airdate: October 8, 1985 (Season 2)

Sam is not only starting junior high, but is going to celebrate her 13th birthday. Desperate to be accepted by her new friends, Sam makes up a lie that Tony is head of the advertising agency and Angela is his wife. Eventually, Tony and Mona are forced to go along with it.

ANGELA: Tony, ever since you moved in here, I've had to explain a lot of things to my dates. But married? To you?

TONY: Well, I had to say we're married because I said I owned your house! And I'm also the president of Wallace & McQuaid.

ANGELA: You're the president of Wallace & McQuaid?

TONY: Samantha just wanted to be like the rest of her friends, who just happen to be loaded!

ANGELA: So you're me, and I'm your wife, who's my mother, Tina Turner?

TONY: No, we went to the truth on that, she's (Mona) your mother. Sam's grandmother.

(Angela is peeved now)

Later on in the episode…..

ANGELA: Jonathan, you missed the best party last night.

MONA: How would you know? Your mother was the first person to fall asleep.

(During slumber parties, the first girl to fall asleep gets her bra removed and stuffed in the freezer. Angela is oblivious to this, so Tony tries to speed things along.)

TONY: Hey Angela, could you do me a favor? I've got my hands full, could you get the orange juice out of the freezer, please?

ANGELA: Oh, sure Tony.

(Tony moves next to Mona and the two peek closely at Angela, who gets her bra out of the freezer)

ANGELA: MY BRA!

TONY: You lose, Angela. First one to fall asleep.

MONA: You were right, Tony. We didn't need that much space.

(Mona is implying that Angela has small boobs)

(Angela starts muttering and whacks Tony with her frozen bra)

ACT III

Episode: Junior Executive

Airdate: January 7, 1986 (Season 2)

In order to get money for drill team uniforms, Angela takes Sam to Wallace & McQuaid each Saturday. When Sam realizes she's missing out on all the drill team activities, she decides to intentionally do a bad job so she can get fired.

(Mona is reading the newspaper in the living room. Tony comes in, excited)

TONY: Here she comes, ladies and gentlemen. The hardest-working, female executive, in the tri-state area, Angela Bower. In three, two, one…..

(Tony opens the door, but Angela isn't there)

TONY: Zero. Minus-one. Minus-two. Minus-three.

(Angela still isn't there, and Tony is getting annoyed)

TONY: Angela…..

(Angela comes in, exhausted as hell)

ANGELA: Oh, what a day. The phones were ringing off the hook, the mail was piled up to HERE. The computer hates me.

MONA: I thought your secretary took care of that.

ANGELA: She won't work on Saturday. Mother, I had to make my own coffee.

(Mona fakes shock)

MONA: Horrors!

(Angela doesn't have time for Mona's sarcasm)

TONY: Hey, you're home now, right? You get to relax and spend a nice, quiet, evening.

(Angela finds this reassuring, and sits down in comfort, until a whistle catches her off-guard)

(Sam's drill team comes in marching and brings the noise with them)

DRILL TEAM: We're called the Spartans, you better beware, we'll put your team in intensive care, we'll break your bones and bash your brains, we'll pick our teeth with the remains! Our Fairfield Southside Fair!

(Sam's drill team is pleased with their job, and start cheering wildly)

ANGELA: I've died and gone to Hell.

Later on, Sam is looking for a job in the classifieds.

SAM: Ooh, how about this one? Girls, Girls, Girls. And up to $1500 a week? Dad, this is great, all I have to do is dance and play video games!

(Sam doesn't know at this point that girls like that are referred to as strippers. Tony takes the classifieds away.)

TONY: Give me them want ads. I know what they WANT.

(Mona takes the classifieds away from Tony)

MONA: $1500?

Later on, Angela has fired Sam at this point. Tony is displeased, not that Sam got fired, but because Angela fired Sam. Neither of them know that Sam got fired intentionally.

TONY: How was your day?

ANGELA: Not great.

TONY: Not great? How not great?

SAM: I got fired.

TONY: You got fired?

ANGELA: Tony…don't be too hard on her.

TONY: You fired my baby?

ANGELA: Tony, I'm sorry, I, I only did what any boss would do with any employee.

TONY: I'm sure you had a good reason…for breaking my little girl's heart, not to mention, mind.

ANGELA: Well Tony, it broke my heart too, but this is a business and she was making some very serious mistakes.

SAM: She's right. I should've mailed out that package, and gotten the lunch orders right, and not messed up the copy machine.

TONY: Well, what the heck? Did she have you running the whole place singlehandedly? I thought you'd be out there protecting my daughter, in the jungle. But I was wrong. You ARE the jungle.

(long pause)

ANGELA: I AM the jungle?

ACT IV

Episode: Gotta Dance

Airdate: January 21, 1986 (Season 2)

Samantha, catching the ballet bug, decides to take lessons for it. Tony, after being told by Samantha's teacher that she has oodles of talent, convinces her to practice five days a week. When Tony realizes that teacher says that to everyone for more money, he has a hard time telling Sam she's just average. Meanwhile, Angela is inspired by Sam's story and decides to take up the cello again.

ANGELA: Mother, Sam's ballet teacher says she has real talent.

TONY: She could end up dancing in all the major cities in Europe. London, Vienna…..

ANGELA: Paris.

TONY: Oh, Paris. I love Paris. I always wanted to wear a barrette.

MONA: I'm sure you will, but how does Sam feel about being pushed into a career?

TONY: We're not pushing her. We just want her to eat, drink, and breathe ballet.

ANGELA: By the way, Mother, what's wrong with pushing? If you had pushed me, I'd be at the philharmonic today.

(Mona almost has a disgusted look)

MONA: Doing WHAT?

(long pause)

ANGELA: Playing the cello.

(Mona clutches his heart with her eyes closed)

Later on, Angela is playing the cello. Playing it horribly. Sam, Tony, and Mona see this travesty.

MONA: IT'S BACK!

ANGELA: This is a wonderfully soothing instrument, isn't it?

SAM: Angela, where did you get that thing?

ANGELA: Tony found it for me in the attic.

(Mona holds up her fist, just seconds away from knocking Tony out)

MONA: YOU.

TONY: Well, it wasn't easy either. It was buried under all this stuff, almost as if someone had….

(Tony stares at Mona, and realizes she hid the cello so Angela would never have to play it)

ANGELA: Mother, you hid this, didn't you?

MONA: Yes, and that WAS wrong of me. I should've burned it.

(Angela just simply stares at Mona)

Later on, Angela is playing the cello for Jonathan, Tony, and Sam. She's doing an awful job. Jonathan is simply confused and blank-faced, Tony is stunned beyond belief at how tone-deaf Angela is, and Sam looks like someone is giving her an exorcism. In the nick of time, Mona comes and cuts the chords off the cello, much to Angela's shock. Jonathan, Tony, and Sam start clapping in delight.

ACT V

Episode: The Hickey

Airdate: November 4, 1986 (Season 3)

In this episode, Sam gets a hickey from Todd Phillips, the coolest guy in the school. It doesn't take long for Tony to find out, and he's having a hard time dealing with it.

ANGELA: Tony, Samantha's been up in her room all day. Don't you think you ought to go talk to her?

TONY: No.

ANGELA: Tony, you have got to deal with it. I know it's hard. It's, it's a very difficult time when your child becomes sexually active.

MONA: I know I'm not looking forward to it.

(Angela simply stares back at Mona)

Later on, Tony has talked to Sam about the situation. However, Sam proves she's learned nothing because she snuck out to see Todd again. Tony is about to go tuck Sam in.

TONY: I know this is corny, but, I feel so great about that talk we had, I, feel like we really connected.

ANGELA: Tony, communication is the bridge that spans the generation gap. Parents and children just have to learn how to listen to each other, right Mother?

MONA: I'm sorry, dear, what were you saying?

(Angela puts her hand on her forehead in annoyance)

ACT VI

Episode: The Way We Was

Airdate: January 6, 1987

On a snow day, the Micellis and Bowers reminisce about their first encounters with each other and who was the one that brought the family together.

ANGELA: Oh, hi Mother, I'm glad you're here, I think we should get started on the train a little early.

MONA: Angela, haven't you heard? The trains are not running, we can't get to work.

ANGELA: Well, what are we going to do?

MONA: Well Angela, I haven't thought this out completely, but as I see it, we won't take the train, and we won't go to work. But, that's only a theory.

(Angela, not understanding Mona's sarcasm, is still shocked)

ACT VII

Episode: Jonathan Kills Tony

Airdate: January 13, 1987 (Season 3)

Jonathan has eyes for a girl named Jenny, but she ends up having a crush on Tony. Feeling betrayed, Jonathan is out to get vengeance.

(After issuing an ultimatum to Angela that either Tony leaves or he leaves, Jonathan decides to live outside in a tent. Taking Mona's advice, Tony is resolved to fix things with the little boy.)

TONY: Jonathan? Jonathan?

JONATHAN: Behind you, Micelli.

(Jonathan has a slingshot with a rock as ammunition. Taking Sam's inadvertent advice, Jonathan is dead-set on teaching Tony a physical lesson.)

TONY: Jonathan, don't do that.

(Jonathan doesn't listen, and his perfect aim sends Tony down, unconscious)

JONATHAN: Got ya! Bam! Right between the eyes! Guess I showed you, huh, Tony?

I know what you're thinking. Jonathan didn't kill Tony. It was just a nightmare he had. But I found it extremely funny. Now it's time for the last act, which is a little…..serious.

ACT VIII

Episode: Hit The Road, Chad

Airdate: February 3, 1987 (Season 3)

Chad McCann, Sam's boyfriend, writes a song inspired by her. Ray Charles wants to cover the song, and that cover will be used for Angela's advertising agency. But when Chad is caught kissing another girl, Sam is hurt and doesn't want Charles to cover the song, or even think about the song anymore. But Angela can't let this deal fall through.

SAM: I caught him kissing Susie Sherman.

ANGELA: Why that pubescent little philanderer! How dare he treat you that way!

SAM: So you really understand?

ANGELA: Of course, I do. I'm a woman too.

SAM: And you'll stand by me?

ANGELA: Hey, we're sisters.

(Angela hugs Sam)

SAM: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd still want to use Chad's song.

(Sam has a lot to learn about business, because Angela is still planning on using the song)

ANGELA: Pardon me?

SAM: It's just…part of me dies every time I hear it.

ANGELA: Sam, sweetheart, I feel terrible about what happened, but you know it's not healthy to dwell on these things. As hard as it is, you've just got to pull yourself together and deal with it.

SAM: I will.

(Angela hopes this leads to what she thinks it leads to)

ANGELA: By 7:00?

(Sam is taken aback and gives Angela a dirty look)

ANGELA: That's when Ray Charles is going to be here. He's done a new arrangement of the song, and he, just, he can't wait to run it by me.

SAM: Ray Charles is going to ask YOU about music?

(Sam just pretty much insulted Angela)

ANGELA: Well, it IS my commercial, and we just need to make sure we're, in simpatico.

SAM: Angela, I don't want him singing that song.

ANGELA: Samantha, there's a lot at stake here, please try to understand.

SAM: I do. You care….more about your business, than you do about me.

ANGELA: That is NOT true.

(Jonathan comes downstairs ready to go outside singing Chad's song. Unbeknownst to him, he's meat on the table for Sam.)

JONATHAN: Always a friend….

SAM: JONATHAN, SHUT UP!

(Angela is stunned beyond belief at Sam's audacity, and Jonathan is as well)

ANGELA: Samantha, I know you're upset, but that's no reason to take it out on him.

JONATHAN: Yeah!

SAMANTHA: I SAID SHUT UP, SQUIRT!

(Angela needs to stop Samantha from turning Jonathan into lunch)

ANGELA: Don't talk to him like that.

SAM: I can talk to him any way I want to.

ANGELA: Samantha, go to your room.

SAMANTHA: YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

ANGELA: SAMANTHA, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

(Tony runs in, trying to see why Sam and Angela are throwing everything except the kitchen sink at each other.)

(softly) TONY: Hey, oh, ho, hey. What's going on?

(close to crying) SAM: Angela told ME to go to my room.

(a little frightened) TONY: Then go to your room.

(Realizing she can only get more upset, and Tony actually IS her parent, Sam gives in.)

SAM: You said we were sisters. We're not sisters. We're not even friends.

(Sam, nailing the knockout blow, runs upstairs to her room while Angela feels ashamed. God, I love this job!)

BOOMING VOICE: That was our Homage To Classic TV! Tune in next week to see more of your childhood favorites bowed down to!

SCENE 7

Mercedes-Benz Superdome

Exterior Entrance

New Orleans, Louisiana

Testicular Sound Express is ready to initiate their plan to get into the Superdome.

RK: OK, guys, you know your lines.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND WADE: Yup.

RK: OK, let's do this.

(The four walk towards the security guard again.)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: What are you kids doing here again? Your tickets were fake.

RK: Look, we get it, OK? But you can't blame us. We don't like the Super Bowl. We don't even like the NFL. We were FORCED to go here.

SPARKY: Yeah, you see, our friend is in the hospital. She has Type 2 diabetes, and many people don't even think she'll live any longer.

WADE: It's a really sad thing. All she wanted was to watch the Super Bowl. Now she can't. But we decided to go here in her honor and tell her everything about it.

BUSTER: Yeah, poor kid. She can't even hold an ice cream cone anymore because she's so weak.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Well, are you sure that's why you came?

SPARKY: We're not just sure. We're HIV-positive.

(Wade slaps Sparky in his face)

SPARKY: Gah, dammit!

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: What's this angel's name?

RK: Well, who really likes to put names on things when….

BUSTER: Her name is Sanna.

(Sparky, RK, and Wade stare at Buster)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Sanna? What a pretty name.

BUSTER: Yeah, she's so quiet, it's cute. You can call her, we have her number.

(Sparky, RK, and Wade are pissed beyond belief)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: OK, what is it?

BUSTER: 718-55…

(Sparky, RK, and Wade jump Buster and take him away)

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: What the…

(imitating Michael Yarmush, Bruce Dinsmore, and Melissa Altro) SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: BUSTER!

BUSTER: What? I'm giving the story color.

WADE: You weren't supposed to mention names, you (bleep) pack of Starburst!

(long pause)

BUSTER: Did you just call me a pack of Starburst?

WADE: Yeah. What, you want to fight about it?

BUSTER: Probably not?

RK: CAN WE FOCUS HERE? I'm trying to fix what I screwed up, and it's not working!

SPARKY: Maybe we just need a new plan.

RK: You're right, Sparks. Time to think the way of the fan.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

All the guests have arrived for KG's Super Bowl party, most of them kids from his junior high school. Manny, Will, Travis, and Kaily were invited as well. Everyone is wearing either a Ravens jersey or a 49ers jersey, depending on who they think will win or are rooting for.

RODNEY: Sick party KG!

KG: Thanks Rod. I did my best to kick ass today.

KAILY: I can't believe you invited me. I don't even watch football.

KG: You're a recurring character, so you need something to do.

CAMERAMAN: We're filming!

KG: RK'S IN NEW ORLEANS, BOB!

CAMERAMAN: Copy that.

KAILY: I just chose the 49ers because Manny chose them, right, Manny?

MANNY: Yeah, bitch. Don't go Dominican on me.

KAILY: Yo, boy, I like you, don't make me unlike you, OK?

MANNY: WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME?

WILL: The Ravens are my favorite team. It's amazing how in Ray Lewis' final year, he gets to play in the Super Bowl.

TRAVIS: They won't win.

(long pause)

WILL: They WILL win, what are you talking about?

TRAVIS: The Ravens took advantage of a really bad Patriots team. When you think about it, that AFC Championship Game was the Patriots' game to win. Tom Brady made stupid throws, the defense wasn't in it, and the team overall played a horrible game. They could've overwhelmed the Ravens but they didn't rise to the occasion. And that annoys me because the Patriots are my favorite team.

WILL: Well, it takes two to tango. The Ravens played the game to win. They won, and now they're on CBS today. I've hated how all these sportswriters and people on WrestlingFigs are saying how the Patriots lost more than the Ravens won. A win is a win 96% of the time.

TRAVIS: I like WrestlingFigs.

WILL: Me too.

KAILY: Guys, talk about something interesting, OK?

MANNY: SHUT UP!

(Throughout all this, KG is simply watching them and drinking)

SCENE 9

Mercedes-Benz Superdome

Exterior Entrance

New Orleans, Louisiana

RK: Guys, let's do this. Year of the fan.

SPARKY: Year of the fan.

BUSTER: Year of the fan.

WADE: Year of the fan.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: YEAR OF THE FAN!

RK: OK, let's get inside the bottle.

("Superstition" by Stevie Wonder playing in the background)

The boys have concocted a series of plans to get inside the stadium. Plan A is constructing a giant bottle of Bud Light Lime (which runs on the drink itself) and functioning it like a vehicle. It'll drive past the security guard and into the Superdome, where the boys will get out of the bottle undetected and take their seats. However, the bottle breaks down right near the entrance by losing a wheel. It ends up killing 25 other people, and the beer spilled all over the ground. The boys get out of the bottle in a flash. Plan B is dressing as New Orleans Saints. Sparky is Drew Brees, Buster is head coach Sean Payton (wearing a T-shirt that says "I Don't Pay My Players"), RK is Lance Moore, and Wade is Marques Colston. When they try to convince the security guard, Buster's fake mustache fell off. He shouldn't have even used it because Payton doesn't have a mustache. Plan C was creating a fake message on the marquee outside the Superdome that says, "Saints Choke On Dick And So Do You." As the people are screaming in horror and shock, the security guard will calm everyone down and chase after them. The four will then sneak inside. However, Sparky gets scared by the message itself and gets caught running inside the stadium. Plan D is, quite simply, attacking the security guard dressed as The Shield. The four brutally assault the security guard, which starts a fight between the people. In the end, Plan D backfires on them and they end up beaten. Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are then reported to the NOPD (New Orleans Police Department) but they escape before they can be arrested.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It is 3:15 PM PST. The Super Bowl has begun.

KG: Guys, guys….

(Everyone takes their seats to enjoy the game)

JIM NANTZ: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 47th edition of the NFL's greatest game, the Super Bowl here on CBS! We're live from the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana to see the American Football Conference Champion Baltimore Ravens take on the National Football Conference Champion San Francisco 49ers! Good evening, football fans watching all around the world, my name is Jim Nantz and welcome to today's game. Here with me is my colleague, color commentator and former Super Bowl champion Phil Simms. Phil, this is the first Big Game in the Big Easy since 2002 when Tom Brady and the New England Patriots carved their legacy into the history books when they beat the St. Louis Rams and began a dynasty. And it's only fitting that these two teams are in this year's Super Bowl.

PHIL SIMMS: You're right, Jim. The Baltimore Ravens, having reached the Super Bowl in the 2000 season and beating the New York Giants, and so far it has been their only Super Bowl. And of course, Ray Lewis is looking for a second Vince Lombardi Trophy on the final day of his career. On the other hand, you have the San Francisco 49ers. They've never lost a Super Bowl, going 5-0. They dominated in the '1980s and '1990s, then after a period of mediocrity, they reached the NFC Championship Game last year, and now they're in the Big Game this year. The 49ers, led by the dynamic quarterback they call Colin Kaepernick, along with running back Frank Gore, and tight end Vernon Davis.

JIM NANTZ: You're right about that, Phil. If the 49ers win tonight, they will tie the Pittsburgh Steelers for most Super Bowls won. The Ravens, a year after Billy Cundiff's missed field goal cost them the AFC championship and a trip to Super Bowl XLVI, came back 12 months later and upset the team that beat them last year, the Patriots. Led by Joe Flacco along with their trusty veteran leader Lewis, the Ravens bring with them one of the best defensive lines in the league. Add that to all the weapons San Francisco possess, and you've got a great Super Bowl. This year is also the first Harbaugh Bowl. Ravens head coach John Harbaugh faces off against his brother Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the 49ers.

PHIL SIMMS: And of course, ladies and gentlemen, if Jim wins, he can avenge his loss in the AFC Championship Game in the 1995 season. As quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, Jim's touchdown attempt in the closing seconds failed and the Pittsburgh Steelers advanced to Super Bowl XXX.

JIM NANTZ: And of course, the Steelers wound up losing that game 27-17 to the Dallas Cowboys. And ladies and gentlemen, coming up next, Alicia Keys sings the national anthem, and then kickoff, right here on CBS.

SCENE 11

Benson Tower

Exterior Entrance

New Orleans, Louisiana

RK: What are we doing here?

WADE: We can't be at the Superdome unless we want to go to jail. So this is where we'll come up with all our plans.

SPARKY: Look, guys, maybe we should face facts. I don't think we're going to see the game. Look, it's 5:32 Central Standard Time. The game has already started.

RK: No, it hasn't? I think the Ravens and 49ers are entering right now.

(The Ravens are waiting in the tunnel)

(over loudspeaker) JIM NANTZ: Ladies and gentlemen, this team is the definition of persistence. Four years ago, they lost to the Steelers in the conference title game. Last year, they suffered a heartbreaking defeat to the Patriots after a failed field goal attempt. But this year, they bounced back and beat the Patriots to get to the Big Game. And with their veteran leader retiring in this stadium on this day, these men are dead-set on having him retire with a Super Bowl ring. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your AFC Champion Baltimore Ravens!

(The Ravens run onto the field with "No Sleep Til' Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys playing over the loudspeakers. There's a mixed reaction.)

JIM NANTZ: The Beastie Boys for the folks watching at home. (camera pans on Flacco) Joe Flacco, selected 18th overall in the 2008 NFL Draft out of Delaware. Ron Jaworski has said this man has the strongest arm in the league. One of the most successful quarterbacks today that has yet to win a Vince Lombardi Trophy. (camera pans on Lewis) And for Ray Lewis, his final entrance in the NFL. This man hopes he can win another Super Bowl before it all ends.

PHIL SIMMS: The 49ers have approached the tunnel.

JIM NANTZ: OK, let's do this. (uses loudspeakers again) Ladies and gentlemen, this next team has waited for this for ages. After spending years in the NFC cellar, this squad earned the #2 seed in last year's playoffs and reached the conference title game before the Giants beat them. This year, much like the Ravens, they returned with a new focus and attitude. With a dynamic quarterback, an imposing running back, an excellent tight end and an amped-up defense, these boys from the Bay Area are out to reclaim the legacy men like Joe Montana and Steve Young created for them. So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers!

(The 49ers run onto the field with "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica playing over the loudspeakers. There is wild cheering.)

JIM NANTZ: And that is Metallica, people. (camera pans on Kaepernick) That is Colin Kaepernick, taken 36th overall in the second round of the 2011 draft out of Nevada, and the man that's taking the football world by storm. Three weeks ago, this kid set a record for most single-game rushing yards by a quarterback against the Packers in the divisional round. And two weeks ago, he led the 49ers to their first Super Bowl since 1995. Now this team is looking to cement their legacy as one of the elite ball clubs in the NFL. With a win today, they'll tie the Pittsburgh Steelers for most Big Games won.

SPARKY: I can't believe the whole world is watching Super Bowl XLVII and we're missing it. This is so cummy.

BUSTER: Guys, guys.

RK: What? What?

BUSTER: I just came up with a plan.

WADE: Cool, what is it?

BUSTER: This is perfect. We'll use these foolproof disguises to look like we're delivering some pizza. Then…we make a run for some seats. We'll just tell anyone who asks that we know the owner of the Superdome. Ah, what a great plan!

(long pause)

SPARKY: Harold?

BUSTER: Yeah, Principal Wartz?

SPARKY: Who would we be delivering the pizzas TO?

(long pause)

BUSTER: The Harbaughs?

RK: I'm going to call Sanna. If she ruins Mr. Tuxedo Pants, I'm gonna…..

WADE: WAIT! I'VE GOT IT! Follow me.

(Sparky, Buster, and RK stare at each other)

WADE: Come on, like in _Zoey 101_, just follow me!

SCENE 12

New Orleans Arena

Exterior Entrance

New Orleans, Louisiana

RK: Are you sure this is going to work?

WADE: Positive. Just watch. Guys, this is now or never.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND RK: Now or never.

("Now or Never" by Zac Efron featuring Corbin Bleu and Vanessa Hudgens playing in the background)

All four boys are once again dressed like The Shield. Wade calls the security guard, having found out his number after hearing him say it to his friend who wanted to trade numbers with him. Wade pretends to be one of his neighbors, saying that _Breaking Bad_ is having a special Super Bowl Sunday episode. The security guard can NOT miss the show, so he heads home and abandons his post. The four boys then sneak inside.

(music stops as record scratches)

SPARKY: Wait. How did you know he was going to fall for that, Wade?

WADE: Everybody loves _Breaking Bad_.

BUSTER: Yeah. I love it.

RK: Really? I'm more _Mad Men _than _Breaking Bad_.

BUSTER: I love that show too!

SPARKY: You guys watch _Game of Thrones_? I've been a fan of it ever since my mother gave me the books.

WADE: _Game of Thrones _is (bleep) awesome. You guys watch _Girls_?

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND RK: Nope.

WADE: Good, you don't need to watch _Girls_.

SPARKY: Guys, let's go!

(the four run and take the available seats, which is coincidentally four seats in a row)

("Now or Never" starts playing again)

During the coin toss to determine who gets the ball first, the coin landed on heads. Papa John's gave 2,000,000 pizzas away for a promotional contest. In the first quarter, Kaepernick motors for a touchdown, and the 49ers gain a 7-0 lead. However, Flacco answers back by hooking up with Anquan Boldin for a 24-yarder. 7-7. In the second quarter, the 49ers nail the Ravens. Davis rushes for a touchdown, Patrick Willis returns an interception 46 yards, and Kaepernick shoots the ball into Michael Crabtree's arms. 28-7, 49ers. After Beyoncé rocks the halftime show (with Jay-Z and Destiny's Child making a surprise appearance) the Ravens strike back in the third quarter. Flacco gets Boldin a second time and Rice gets 14 yards. 28-21, 49ers. RK is cheering while Wade is a little frightened. Right before the fourth quarter starts, Kaepernick gets 34 yards to make the score 35-21. The fourth quarter becomes a brutal one for San Francisco. Flacco is firing on all cylinders, passing it to Torrey Smith in the end zone. With the score 35-28, Kaepernick is sacked twice, once by Michael Oher and once by Haloti Ngata. Kaep tries to pass it to Crabtree, but DeAngelo Tyson catches it and returns it for a 24-yard touchdown. We're now tied at 35. Neither team can capitalize on anything for the rest of the 15 minutes, and for the first time in the history of the Super Bowl, we're going to overtime. Testicular Sound Express is on the edge of their seat. The Ravens get the ball, and Flacco is doing quite well. However, he makes a critical mistake by passing to Boldin who was easily covered by Willis. With no one to stop him, Willis returns the ball 57 yards for a game-winning touchdown. 49ers 41, Ravens 35. Kaepernick and Willis are named the co-MVP and given the Pete Rozelle Award to share. For the city of San Francisco, they have a sixth Vince Lombardi Trophy. Some members of the San Francisco Giants, who won the World Series four months ago, came onto the field to join the celebration. Oh yeah, Doritos had the commercial of the night for that Darth Vader kid doing Gangnam Style while being covered in nacho cheese.

JIM NANTZ: And for the sixth time in franchise history, the San Francisco 49ers are your Super Bowl champions!

PHIL SIMMS: And all it took was the defense of the 49ers to seal the victory. First time we ever went to overtime on this day, and Patrick Willis puts it away with 57 yards to boot.

JIM NANTZ: Four months after the hometown Giants beat the Detroit Tigers in the World Series, the 49ers give San Francisco another winner with today's victory. First time since the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots in 2004 that a city is the defending World Series AND Super Bowl champions in the same year.

RK: I can't believe the Ravens lost. So cummy.

WADE: HA! PAY UP, YOU (BLEEP) ASSHOLE!

RK: Ah, (bleep) you.

(RK gives Wade his $10)

SPARKY: At least we saw a good game.

BUSTER: A GREAT game at that. Maybe we'll go to Super Bowl XLVIII next year in East Rutherford.

SPARKY: If we do, let's keep RK away from the tickets.

RK: Ah, (bleep) you too.

BLACK SECURITY GUARD: Hey!

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Cummy!

(the screen goes black)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for…..

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("What Makes A Good Man?" by The Heavy playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAVE A GREAT SUPER BOWL XLVII

OR A CUMMY ONE, WHO KNOWS?


	2. Super Bowl Cum-Day Sign Off

Great episode, huh? Well, before I sign off, a couple notes:

-The opening scene was a parody of the "Best Fans Ever" commercial. During Super Bowl XLV, the NFL aired a commercial they made themselves, with 180 scenes being re-edited to 20 of America's greatest television shows. There was a storyline within the commercial that makes it seem like they're all watching Super Bowl XLV. I thought it would be awesome to re-do it. Of course, because it's 2013 now and not 2011, I had to re-edit some scenes. Also, _The Office _originally supported the Steelers, but after several YouTubers pointed out that Scranton (the city where _The Office _is based) is much more Eagles territory than Steelers territory, I changed it.

-The scene where the boys are trying to sneak into the Superdome is a reference to Bud Light's "Year of the Fan" advertising campaign. It ran throughout the whole NFL season and showcased the fans' superstitions and rituals. That's why I had "Superstition" play, and why the giant Bud Light bottle was part of Plan A.

-"Super Bowl Cum-Day" unintentionally showed that the game is just as important as the halftime show and the commercials, as most casual fans tune in because it's the Super Bowl and that's the popular thing.

-You might have noticed Buster using science's name in vain due to his atheism. If you're confused, read "The Theory of God-olution."

-I was going to include a parody scene from the _Full House _episode "Super Bowl Fun Day," but I was like, "Is this necessary? No, it isn't so just leave it the (bleep) alone."

-The Homage To Classic TV not only pays tribute to classic television programs, but also gives it attention and interest again. Here's hoping _Who's The Boss? _trends on Twitter the night the episode airs. You can watch any episode of the show on YouTube from uploader LoveJudithEllenLight. Just look up the show and find an episode that catches your eye. I'd suggest "A Farewell To Nick." It is very well-done and shows how skilled an actress Alyssa Milano is by changing her emotions in an instant. She can go from calm to angry to depressed in minutes.

-Here's hoping "cummy" catches on.

-It was a real treat to have Jim Nantz and Phil Simms guest-star. They seemed like they really wanted to be there and were eager to lend me advice. They'll be doing commentary for the actual Super Bowl on February 3, so keep your ears open.

-The Ravens and 49ers won't actually be using those songs for their entrances. When I watch the game and find out the actual songs, I'll update the script.

Well, that's it for this week. In order to avoid competing with Super Bowl XLVII in the ratings, there will be no episode next week. Instead, tune in the week after for a special Valentine's Day edition of _Thank You, Heavenly_. Buster wants Kaily to be his valentine, while RK wants Buster to be his valentine. When RK finds out Buster's intentions, he ignores what Kaily said about her not being interested in Buster and tries to get rid of the poor girl whichever way he can. Also, Sparky tries to find out who put candy and flowers in his locker, and when he suspects it might be Halley, she keeps throwing him off. And lastly, Wade not only makes Alyssa Milano his "valentine," he travels to Chicago to learn about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. There are plenty of love songs and love themes in this episode, so be prepared on February 10. I guarantee you will NOT be disappointed!


End file.
